Forgiveness.
I am grateful for two experiences of forgiveness; I honor KM and LT, who brought them to me. KM was my first husband; LM was a co-worker.
KM and I split in April of 1977 after nearly 5 years of marriage; I drove away with our baby and our dog in our station wagon. His parting words were, “I hope you realize that this is all your fault.” I made no reply, and just got out of there. He made my life with our daughter as difficult as possible, short of actual kidnapping (although that was once threatened).
Our child was caught in a schizophrenic world. At his house, she quietly followed rules and guidelines and was fed the Standard American Diet. She was told what to wear and how to behave. At my house, her opinions were freely voiced, there were few rules, and and she would sometimes pick fresh peas and carrots out of the garden to eat for breakfast. Her life was not easy as a result of her father’s enmity towards me; she and I both suffered. He was not my favorite person, to say the least.
All that changed one day with a telephone call; he had collapsed, and was undergoing brain surgery. In the ensuing commotion came an epiphany. I wanted him to live; he was her father, and I wanted him to be alive and well in her life. I felt the wonderful physical sensation of forgiveness, like a cup turned upside down in my heart, dumping out all the rancor. He never got under my skin again.
My second experience of forgiveness was the result of hard work. LM was an obstructive, complaining and self-absorbed member of a department where I was the acting manager. She drove me nuts. I couldn’t stand being around her. When a new manager was hired, I was relieved to no longer work with her. I started praying to forgive her as part of a spiritual practice, and did this for months. More than a year later, I saw her at a conference. The old reaction was gone, and I felt clear and light. I told her, “LM, I am so glad to see you” and truly meant it. She has never gotten under my skin again. This forgiveness came without drama, the result of daily prayer.
I am finding compassion for people who I need to forgive, and feel certain that complete forgiveness will come. The biggest challenge is forgiving myself; this is the last frontier.
