Feeling and seeing.
A long time ago, pediatrician Dr. Richard Schanler was quoted as saying that new breastfeeding mothers needed to be seen at least once in the first week. This is because he found that new mothers can’t recognize that their babies are showing signs of underfeeding because there is something that protects their vision from seeing signs of trouble. A new mother may go home with rose-colored glasses; hence, she needs an objective set of eyes to look at her baby. Months after the newborn period is over, mothers are shocked that they missed obvious signs of dehydration and starvation.
I accepted his quote, based on my faith in an expert opinion. However, I never quite comprehended how this phenomena could be true.
In July 2015, I went to visit my father in Florida; he still looked to me like my powerful daddy, albeit with whiter hair and a shorter, stooped posture. Last year, when I looked at the photographs of our visit, I didn’t see an old man near to the end of his life; I saw my daddy.
Now that the jahrzeit is approaching, I am feeling waves of grief and noticing that some of the numbing behaviors that from last year have reappeared. Overeating high fat food was a big one, along with devouring bags of (organic) marshmallows. Both were completely alien to my life, until that time of grief and loss. A year later, I realize that I am again devouring home made caper mayonnaise on rice crackers, something I usually never do.
When his wife, my stepmother, learned of the recrudescence of these behaviors, she sent me two photographs of me with my father from July 2015, For the first time, I see an old man, with an diffuse energy field, a resigned and weary posture, and with eyes that stare vacantly into the future. Now that I haven’t seen him in a year, I can clearly see how he looked then, as he was fading away.
Now I understand how a mother could miss seeing that her baby is in trouble. Our beliefs and feelings alter how we see.
