Nikki Lee Health

Every month, in all the months of my 20s, 30s and early 40s, I wanted a baby. I would dream of being pregnant, despite any logic or possibility. I could never imagine not wanting a baby because that desire consistently bubbled up out of some inner place.  One day, however, when I was in 43, I was pregnant. My first reaction was fear and panic, along with absolute dread of going through labor again; that pregnancy, to my great relief, ended on its own. I no longer wanted to be pregnant and never had those dreams again. My childbearing season was over.

Interesting that the deepest desire could change, easy to let go when the time is right.

When I was little, being in one’s 50s meant grandparents sitting around a card table complaining about their ailments, very boring.  When my turn came to be 50, my life was nothing like that. To celebrate, having been a skating mom for 5 or 6 years, sitting at the rink for hours and watching my daughter learn to jump and spin, I started lessons. I loved it. I got a job at the local rink driving the Zamboni, and had my own set of keys. I would go to the rink early in the morning, skate for 2 hours by myself, then resurface the ice and open up for business. What bliss!!

For the next 16 years I skated, 2 to 4 hours a week. I passed 2 freestyle tests, and 2 moves tests. When I was 62,  the sports medicine doctor suggested I stop jumping for the future health of my knees.  I immediately switched to ice dance and had the joy and privilege of having an Olympian as a coach.  He became a dear friend, in addition to a perfect teacher for me. I passed 2 levels of 3 dances each, and was working on my 8th dance, the Willow Waltz when my intuition, and a funny feeling in my knees, led me to make an appointment for a knee evaluation by the sports medicine doctor.

The doctor said that he didn’t see any reason for me to stop skating and in the same sentence, said that I had fluid in both knees. My chiropractor said that my knees were doing their best to keep up with my activity. The next time I was on the ice, after a 2-month layoff, my knees were so unhappy ( no pain, just miserable)  that I stopped skating immediately. That was a few weeks ago. I have not missed skating at all since. My desire had changed again; skating brought me only worry, and those dreams are gone. My skating season is finished.

Interesting reminder that desire can change. Easy to let go, because the time is right.

In 1990, my friend Linda Fallon was pregnant with her much wanted second baby. Discovering a lump in her breast at 28 weeks, she went immediately to the doctor and was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She fought hard, inducing  labor at 35 weeks to be able to start experimental chemotherapy at the National Institutes of Health, and exchanging her dreams of happy motherhood for dreams of living the 3 1/2 years that NIH said she might get. After about a year, she said something that I always remember, “I don’t want to live anymore. It’s too hard.” She died 11 days before that baby’s first birthday.

I still can’t imagine letting go of the desire to live, and not knowing how my children’s lives turn out. But then, I couldn’t imagine never wanting a baby. I couldn’t imagine letting go of skating. Desire changes with the season.

I hope to live long and well enough to get the privilege of letting go of the desire to live. I won’t mind dying then, it will be easy to let go when my season has ended.